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CAVY  HUMOR
                             




Argenzio is my name and without any qualms I can say that show life is a drag, so to speak! Since I was four
months old, this slave driver of a human has put these idiotic sissy looking THINGS in my hair. For what? To
make me look more handsome! Phooey! AND, there are the ten BIG rules to be followed by every show stopper:



1.   You shall live alone.
2.   You shall not date
3.   You shall not wed.
4.   You shall remain quiet when on the grooming board and allow them to comb and brush your hair.
5.   You shall not chew your hair...or that belonging to others.
6.   You shall not chatter your teeth or bite a human while on the grooming board.
7.   You shall not fight with other animals on the show table ..or become amorous to the sows.
8.   You shall remain calm when the judge turns you upside down, right side up, to the left and to the right.
9.   You shall take regular baths and flea rinses.
10. You shall not scratch or you will be bathed again.
                             



As we move around the shows most of us have come to learn and recognize the numerous catch phrases used by many people when
chatting with them. Most of these phrases have their hidden truths, usually very amusing on reflection.  

The catch phrase is printed in capital letters followed by the "hidden truth" in parentheses.



I’VE LEFT MY BEST ONE AT HOME - (Don’t fancy my chances today)

WHEN I GET THIS ONE FIT IT’LL  TAKE SOME BEATING (Don’t know how the hell I’m going to get this in condition)

LICE ? IT CAN’T HAVE - (I never half looked)

MINE NEVER HAVE MITES - (I’m a liar)

THE WINNER WAS ONE OF MINE OR BRED OFF MY STOCK  - (I’ve got to get a bit of credit somehow)

I’M NOT SHOWING TODAY - (My pigs aren’t good enough)

THE JUDGE DOESN’T LIKE MY STOCK - (I can't tell a good one from a bad one)

THIS WAS BRED FROM MY STOCK BY A FRIEND - ( I bought it)

I WAS JUST BEATEN BY A HAIR - ( I didn’t have a chance)

AT THE SHOW TABLE THE OTHER CONTESTANTS WERE SHAKING AT THE KNEES - (They all knew I didn’t have a chance)

MY CAVY IS IN LOVELY CONDITION - (Please don’t look at his Jimmy Durante nose)

GUARD HAIRS !! ? ! - (Yes my cavy is guarding them well - I can’t get them out)

CONGRATULATIONS ! - (Rats !! Beaten again)

I WAS AT THE SHOW TABLE FIRST - (Got to get a first in something)
                                                                     




If a longhair is going to chew its hair, it will do so the night before a show.

If you breed two creams wanting cream babies, the litters will be all whites and/or buffs.

If one baby in a litter is stillborn or dies shortly after birth, it will have been the only sow in the litter.

If you take a light shade of lilac to a show, the judge will like a dark shade.  On the other hand, if you take a dark shade, the
judge will prefer a light one. (This particular application of Murphy’s Law also applies to other Self colors such as golden, red,
chocolate etc).

If you are unable to keep all babies in a litter, the boar you sell will suddenly improve 6 months later, and beat the one you kept.

If you sell your boar after he has got all your sows pregnant, the sows will all abort or have a false pregnancy or have stillborn
litters.

If one cavy in the stud dies or is stolen, it will always be the best one.

The time you decide to sell cavies of a particular breed will be the same time as many others decide to sell the same breed.

If a cavy falls from a hutch when you open the doors, it will always be from the top hutch.

Any unexpected visitors to your stud will always come the day before you are going to clean the hutches, or else when you are
half way through doing them and filthy dirty.

If you have orders for babies for a particular type, those animals will refuse to breed. There will be a population explosion in
any other breeds you keep.

The ease of attending any particular show will be inversely proportionalised to your desire to go to that one.  

The issue of "Guinea Bulletin" with information about a show will reach all members, except those in the show area, in plenty
of time. Members in the show area will receive their copy after the show.

If you have lots of pet cavies for sale, no-one will want them. After you have sold them all to the pet shop for next to nothing
there will be a steady stream of enquires for pets for the next three weeks.
                       



AMERICAN CRESTED - Cavy on the verge of extinction but favored by a few die hards who refuse to be beaten
                                              or give up the breed.

BLACK - Handsome cavy usually with good type, otherwise known as the Best in Show variety.

BLACK AND TAN - A Tortie without any white.

BLACK AND BLUE - Heavy bruising after ripping out the shed floor to get at that  ***** pig hiding underneath it.

BLACK EYE - What you get when accidentally leaving a cage door open at feeding time.

BLACK HOLE - Special burial site for BIS.

BLACKLIST - Names of judges who don’t appreciate any of your pigs.

BLACK MARKET - When all caviaries decide to sell out their Self Blacks.

BLACK MASS - A dark haired Peruvian.

BLACKOUT - When you fumigate your face instead of the cage.

BLACK PUDDING - An overweight sow.

BOAR - A nerdy cavy.

CREAM - Aristocratic pig, prone to snootiness.

CREAMERY - A caviary that churns out cream cavies.

CHOCOLATE FACTORY- A caviary that produces chocolate cavies.

CHOCOLATE BAR - A total ban from the next show because one badly nipped the judge.

CHOCOLATE BOX - A special, one variety only carrying case.

CHOCOLATE DROP - You’ve guessed it - must be more careful in the future.

DUTCH - The resolve needed when getting out that one show pig every fifty litters. Then it dies after three days.

DUTCH TREAT - Not being at any shows for a while, then showing up.

GOLDEN - Cavy with the midas touch.

GOLDEN RULE - "No favorite food, no forthcoming brood".

HIMALAYAN - The summit of breeds for some fanciers, it can be mountainous task to keep them in peak condition.

LILAC - Sounds better than Panzer grey.

MITES - All those breeds you may get around to some day.

PIG - The word ‘pig’ is a classic misnomer for our cute little friend, but fair enough since they call us ‘apes’.

PIGGISH - Special cavy issue of Readers Digest.

PIGGY BANK - The perfect place to leave a small deposit.

PIGGY-IN-THE-MIDDLE - Overweight cavy, habitually eating too much.

PIGS-TY - Essential purchase for the well dressed boar.

PIGTALES - Reader stories that appear in CAVY WORLD.

PIGSWILL - Legal document leaving cage, bowl & bottle to new occupier.

RED - A cavy jacket worn with a pigs-ty.

RED TAPE - Horrible worm with a preference for your reds.

RED LIGHT DISTRICT - You guessed it. A caviary that produces reds.

RED WINE - Moaning wheep when being groomed for a show.

SATIN - Past tense of food bowl sit-in, such as during a protest.

SELF - What pigs think about come feeding time.

SELF ASSURANCE - Greeting you with a cheerful whistle one day and peeing down your sleeve the next.

SELF DEFENCE - Lesson in not poking your finger through the wire near feeding time.

SELF SACRIFICE - Leaving the smooth at home and showing the Aby instead.

WHITE - Benevolent-looking cavy but with anti-social tendencies and sometimes a malicious streak.

WHITE ROSE - Ranks of pale pigs lined up on the judging table.

WHITEWASH - A bath before an upcoming show.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A CAVY SLAVE WHEN  .  .  .  .

. . . you clean their cage more than your house.

. . . you redecorate their cage more than your house.

. . . you spend every weekend at cavy shows.

. . . you get a job of designing cavy hutches.

. . . you call in sick if your cavy gets a cold.

. . . you have to buy a second refrigerator just for them.

. . . you use a baby monitor to make sure your cavies are okay.

. . . your new car is a van, because the cavy's cages fit better for when you go on pignics.

. . . you resolve to save more money, but end up buying a bigger cavy condo.

. . . your answering machine message reads "please wheek your message after the tone"

. . . you won't get up at 5am to take your medicine, but drag yourself out of bed to feed the pigs.

. . . all they have to do is look at you to get a kiss and a carrot.

. . . you do all your grocery shopping only to realize that you forgot your own food.

. . . you spend more time in feed stores than in grocery stores.

. . . you get more upset over the price of lettuce and carrots than the price of beef.

. . . you buy vegetables you've never even heard of,  before you adopted your cavy.

. . . you feel guilty eating a salad in front of the babies without offering them any.

. . . you make calls all over town for timothy hay, rather than feed them mediocre hay from the pet store.

. . . you look at the vitamin C content of the vegetables before the price per pound.

. . . you go to get a snack and end up giving it to the cavies instead.

. . . your friends go to the fridge and ask, "Okay, what's NOT for the cavy?".

. . . you got out to dinner and take food from the salad bar home for your cavy.

. . . you can't surf the internet without a cavy in your lap.

. . . your cavy has her own Personal Profile, which can be read by everyone on AOL.

. . . you buy a digital camera to take pictures of your cavies so you can show them off online.

. . . you buy a color printer just so you can print the digital pictures of your cavies.

. . . you schedule your plans around your cavy's schedule.

. . . each time you pass the cage you have to stop and pick the flecks of bedding out of the food dish.

. . . holding your cavy is the high point of your whole day.

. . . you refer to them as "my babies".

. . . you are on a first name basis with your vet.

. . . your cavies have their own room, but your children share one.

. . . discussing your piggies in public, kindly old ladies ask you "...and how old are your little girls?"

. . . you can't go to bed at night unless you've held your cavies in your arms to kiss each one goodnight.

. . . you leave a nightlight on for them.

. . . you catch yourself singing the song you made up for your cavies - while at work.

. . . your cavy breaks a tooth and you play "toothfairy" by putting a few dimes under its hay.

. . . you've visited more caviaries than national monuments.

. . . you ask your friends to keep an eye out for dandilion patches.

. . . a trip to visit relatives includes not only the usual suitcase, but one or two cavies.

. . . you let your cavy ride in the front seat.

. . . you address birthday and greeting cards from you and your cavies.

. . . your family doesn't recognize you without a cavy in your lap.

. . . your cavies make raw veggies actually look GOOD to eat.

. . . the mailman brings more guinea pig mail than letters addressed to occupant.

. . . you spend more time in the caviary than the house.

. . . you consider putting a telephone in the caviary.

. . . the vet bills for your cavies are higher than your kids' doctor bills.

. . . your six your old daughter wants to become a cavy farmer.

. . . you put your piggie's tub on the kitchen counter so they can watch you bake a cake.

. . . you've been on a vacation and you only bring presents back for your cavies.

. . . your friends tell you they are coming back in the next life as one of your cavies.

. . . you're a film student and you're trying to figure out a script for a movie that could star your cavy.

. . . you can't get any work done, 'cause you're spending too much time talking and playing with your cavies.

. . . you're stuck to your chair for three hours because your cavy is resting on you and you don't dare disturb it!

. . . you can tell the grocery clerk the universal codes for endive, romaine, and parsley before they can look them up!

. . . your cavy gets all excited when momma tells him "MOMMA LOVE SWEETIE, MOMMA LOOOVE SWEEETIE!!"

. . . you wish the dandelion fairies would come out because you want to plant and harvest your own dandelions.

. . . you insist on telling the supermarket checkout clerk WHY you have an entire basket full of parsley, carrots,             
   cilantro, and cucumbers.

. . . you absolutely MUST say goodbye to your guinea pigs and tell them "mommy will be back" even if you are only
   gone for a short while.

. . . you buy liquid vitamins for you're piggy but first you have to take a drink of the vitamin/water mixture to make sure
   it doesn't taste yucky.

. . . you have a 2-story house, and your "emergency plan" for possible fires, natural disasters, etc., is all about how to  
   get the piggies out safely.

. . . you are trying to describe the way a teenage boy was behaving in front of a teenage girl and the only word you can
   think of to do so is rumblestrut.

. . . you insist on telling the office supply store checkout clerk WHY you are buying 3 more packages of Neat Ideas
   Cubes, and start explaining, without any encouragement, how to build guinea pig cages.




You know you're married to a cavy slave when  .  .  .

. . . you get the cavies' leftovers.

. . . your spouse plants a garden for the cavies only.

. . . your spouse comes home from work and goes straight to the cavies to greet them.

. . . your spouse has pictures of the cavies, but no picture of you.

. . . your spouse says "I love you" in this sweet, soft voice, and you say "I love you too" before you realize he/she is
   talking to the piggies and not you!

. . . your spouse thinks it's perfectly reasonable to spend over $100 a month on the cavy, but thinks   going out to
   dinner is too expensive.

. . . your spouse is running to the store to get cereal and milk, and doesn't ask if you need anything, but instead asks
   "Do the piggies need anything?"

. . . your spouse wakes you up not with a "good morning dear," but with "there are starving creatures out there, you
   know!"


IT'S A HARD LIFE BEING A BEAUTY
BY ARGENZIO PERUVIAN
of  BlackGold Caviary
HIDDEN TRUTHS
By George Howard & Janelle Yule
MURPHY’S LAW
Elizabeth Hodsen, "Cavy Capers"  
December, 1983
THE  A to Z OF CAVIES
most are by Don Howard from
"CavyWorld" Magazine