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            A GUINEA PIG HORROR STORY


The caution of the following real life newsgroup
conversation is "be careful what you ask for - you might
just get it"

Engineer #1: I bought my 7-year old daughter a guinea
pig over the weekend. Are there any horror stories out
there I need to be aware of?

Engineer #2: BTW, a DirectX 8.0 compatible food bowl
driver is recommended for full EAT support.

Engineer #3: Didn't Stephen King write one about a
woman in her son trapped in a broken down car, being
terrorized by a rabid guinea pig?

Engineer #2: That was Cujo, not Cavy. They were being
terrorized by a rabid dog.

Engineer #3: it might have been a Mutant Giant Guinea
Pig ....

Engineer #4: There's Attack of the Mutant Vampire
Guinea Pigs - once, a weary traveller came to stop at an
inn in the countryside. He paid for a meal and drink but,
despite the warnings from the locals not to proceed that
evening, owing to the presence of a full moon, the
traveller pressed on for the night. He was not taken in by
the tales of a creature of extraordinary strength and
cunning roaming the wilds... It was not long before this
unwary man was beset by the pitter-patter of tiny feet
running along the dead leaves that covered the ground.
Getting more concerned by the approaching sounds, the
traveller tried to flee, heading away from the creature at
his quickest pace, sweat visibly falling from his face! But
it was in vain, as the creature caught up with him, using
its superior night-vision and familiarity with the
surroundings. Cornered in an open field, the traveller
begged for mercy, but the creature did not listen, and it
lunged forward, viciously mauling the poor, foolish man.
What became of the man is not known, but it is rumoured
that, at every full moon, fur grows from every pore in his
skin and he craves carrots and cantaloupe...

Engineer #2: I thought that it was overrated. Now Return
of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs was miles better.

Engineer#4: Yes, but "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant
Guinea Pigs" like so many sequels relied too heavily on
special effects. The 1956 original had more atmosphere,
though the scandal surrounding the treatment of the
cast reduced the box office take considerably.

Engineer #2: That's true of the later remake of "Return of
the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs", but I was
referring to the original, which was considered as a
"tribute" rather than as a "sequel" (because of the
"Zombies" as against "Vampires" in the first film).

Engineer #3: Was that the one where she picked the
guinea pig up by the tail and its eyes fell out?

Engineer #4: "That was the one".

Engineer #3: How did they do that without special
effects? Guinea pigs don't have tails!

Engineer #4: That was the whole point - it was all to do
with the threat. You never actually saw her pick it up by
the tail.

Engineer #3: You did in the remake.

Engineer #4: But that was the guy imagining what would
happen if she did. Like I said, the remake relied heavily
on special effects.

Engineer #2: Personally, I preferred Scary Robotic
Zombie Voodoo Guinea Pigs over the remake.

Engineer #3: It was no match for the Giant Flesh-Eating
Zombie Vampire Guinea Pigs from Hell.

Engineer #5: Whatever you do, ignore both the awful
parody "Abbott and Costello meet the Killer Zombie
Mutant Vampire Cavies" with the terrible running gag in
which Bud Abbott keeps on confusing 'cavies' (Guinea
Pigs) for 'cavities' (holes in teeth, walls etc.). "This
running gag should have been made to stop running and
to go and lie down in a darkened room" according to the
film critic on the Mavis Enderby Gazette.

Engineer #3: Is it true that they are going to make 15
Prequels in true Hollywood fashion?
Father of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs.
Mother of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs.
Conception of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs.
Birth of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs.
Screaming little smelly Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs.
Annoying pesky Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs.
Kevin and Perry meet the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs.
Scent of a Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig
etc etc...

Engineer #5: What about Marlon Brando and Robert
DeNiro in The Godfather of the Killer Zombie Mutant
Guinea Pigs

Engineer #4: And the awful "Night of the Cavy" which
was a sequel to "Night of the Lepus" about mutant giant
bunnies which lived in abandoned mineshafts.

Engineer #6: Shouldn't it have been called "Night of the
Cuniculus"? Lepus is hare. Cuniculus is rabbit.

Engineers #2, 3, 4, 5: Pedant!!

Engineer #1: Errr ....can anyone give me any hints on
looking after my guinea pig?

Later ...

Engineer #1: In Worcestershire there are tales of mutant
Guinea Pigs the size of large dogs terrorising locals!
Holed up in a wood somewhere, locals warned not to
approach. Is this true?

Engineer #2: It's true enough. Apparently hormones used
by fish-farmers have got into the ground water and
caused escaped guinea pigs to mutate. It was first
noticed when urban foxes started showing fear of going
back into the forests, and it turns out that these
mutants hunt in packs. To date the largest creature
known to have been brought down by these giant mutant
rodents was an elephant - behavioural psychologists
suspect that the mutants probably perceive the pink
skin and vivid blue spots on the pachyderms as a
threat...

Engineer #1: Well why haven't we heard about the
presence of elephants in Worcs. before? Surely the BBC
and ITN must be in the pay of the government if they
have kept this quiet.

Engineer #3: And is this the reason I haven't met anyone
from that part of the country for the last two years?
Have they been quarantined by means of clever
diversions and secret road rebuilding (as with
Maidstone)? We should be told . . . .

Arachnaphobic Engineer: This morning I woke up, and to
my horror a GIANT spider (ok so it wasn't 40 metres wide
or anything but it was big) had appeared on my wall.  Is
there anything I can use to convince spiders to leave me
alone?

Engineer #2: The only thing you can do to persuade the
spiders to leave is to introduce the giant "spider eating"
spider into your house. Or get some of the special
"spider eating" zombie vampire flesh-eating guinea pigs
from hell.

Engineer #3: As in the song; "I know an old lady who
swallowed a zombie vampire flesh-eating guinea pig from
hell, I'm not sure how she could tell, that it came from
hell; she swallowed the zombie vampire flesh-eating
guinea pig from hell to catch a spider, she swallowed
the spider to catch a fly..."

Arachnophobic Engineer: Also, is it possible to build a
house which is completely spider proof?

Engineer #2: No, because the spiders have transporter
technology and can beam in anywhere.