BACK
			The Ultimate Cavy Horror Story The caution of the following real life newsgroup conversation is "be careful what you ask for - you might just get it" Engineer #1: I bought my 7-year old daughter a guinea pig over the weekend.  Are there any horror stories out there I need to be aware of? Engineer #2: By the way, a DirectX 8.0 compatible food bowl driver is recommended for full EAT support. Engineer #3: Didn't Stephen King write one about a woman in her son trapped in a broken down car, being terrorized by a rabid cavy? Engineer #2: That was Cujo, not cavy. They were being terrorized by a rabid dog. Engineer #3:  It might have been a Mutant Giant Guinea Pig .... Engineer #4: There's Attack of the Mutant Vampire Guinea Pig - once, a weary traveller came to stop at an inn in the countryside. He paid for a meal and drink but, despite the warnings from the locals not to proceed that evening, owing to the presence of a full moon, the traveller pressed on for the night. He was not taken in by the tales of a creature of extraordinary strength and cunning roaming the wilds... It was not long before this unwary man was beset by the pitter-patter of tiny feet running along the dead leaves that covered the ground. Getting more concerned by the approaching sounds, the traveller tried to flee, heading away from the creature at his quickest pace, sweat visibly falling from his face! But it was in vain, as the creature caught up with him, using its superior night-vision and familiarity with the surroundings. Cornered in an open field, the traveller begged for mercy, but the creature did not listen, and it lunged forward, viciously mauling the poor, foolish man. What became of the man is not known, but it is rumoured that, at every full moon, fur grows from every pore in his skin and he craves carrots and cantaloupe... Engineer #2:  I thought that was overrated. Now Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig was miles better. Engineer#4: Yes, but "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig" like so many sequels relied too heavily on special effects. The 1956 original had more atmosphere, though the scandal surrounding the treatment of the cast reduced the box office take considerably. Engineer #2: That's true of the later remake of "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig", but I was referring to the original, which was considered as a "tribute" rather than as a "sequel" (because of the "Zombies" as against "Vampires" in the first film). Engineer #3: Was that the one where she picked the guinea pig up by the tail and its eyes fell out? Engineer #4: "That was the one". Engineer #3: How did they do that without special effects? Guinea pigs don't have tails! Engineer #4:  That was the whole point - it was all to do with the threat. You never actually saw her pick it up by the tail. Engineer #3:  You did in the remake. Engineer #4:  But that was the guy imagining what would happen if she did. Like I said, the remake relied heavily on special effects. Engineer #2: Personally, I preferred Scary Robotic Zombie Voodoo Guinea Pig over the remake. Engineer #3: It was no match for the Giant Flesh-Eating Zombie Vampire Guinea Pig from Hell. Engineer #5:  Whatever you do, ignore both the awful parody "Abbott and Costello meet the Killer Zombie Mutant Vampire Cavy" with the terrible running gag in which Bud Abbott keeps on confusing 'cavies'  for 'cavities'. "This running gag should have been made to stop running and to go and lie down in a darkened room" according to the film critic on the Mavis Enderby Gazette. Engineer #3: Is it true that they are going to make 15 Prequels in true Hollywood fashion? Father of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig.  Mother of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig.  Conception of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig.  Birth of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig.  Screaming little smelly Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig.  Annoying , Pesky Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig...etc...etc... Engineer #5: What about Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro in The Godfather of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Engineer #4:  And the awful "Night of the Cavy" which was a sequel to "Night of the Lepus" about mutant giant bunnies which lived in abandoned mineshafts. Engineer #6:  Shouldn't it have been called "Night of the Cuniculus"? Lepus is hare. Cuniculus is rabbit. Engineer #1:  Errr....can anyone give me any hints on looking after my guinea pig? Later ... Engineer #1:  In Worcestershire there are tales of mutant guinea pigs the size of large dogs terrorizing locals! Holed up in the woods somewhere, locals warned not to approach. Is this true? Engineer #3: Could this be the reason I haven't met anyone from that part of the country for the last two years? Arachnaphobic Engineer: This morning I woke up, and to my horror a GIANT spider (ok so it wasn't 40 metres wide or anything but it was big) had appeared on my wall.  Is there anything I can use to convince spiders to leave me alone? Engineer #2: The only thing you can do to persuade the spiders to leave is to introduce the special "spider eating" guinea pig. Arachnophobic Engineer: Well, is it possible to build a house which is completely spider proof? Engineer #2:  No, because the spiders have transporter technology and can beam in anywhere.