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		A GUINEA PIG HORROR STORY The caution of the following real life newsgroup conversation is "be careful what you ask for - you might just get it" Engineer #1: I bought my 7-year old daughter a guinea pig over the weekend. Are there any horror stories out there I need to be aware of? Engineer #2: BTW, a DirectX 8.0 compatible food bowl driver is recommended for full EAT support. Engineer #3: Didn't Stephen King write one about a woman in her son trapped in a broken down car, being terrorized by a rabid guinea pig? Engineer #2: That was Cujo, not Cavy. They were being terrorized by a rabid dog. Engineer #3: it might have been a Mutant Giant Guinea Pig .... Engineer #4: There's Attack of the Mutant Vampire Guinea Pigs - once, a weary traveller came to stop at an inn in the countryside. He paid for a meal and drink but, despite the warnings from the locals not to proceed that evening, owing to the presence of a full moon, the traveller pressed on for the night. He was not taken in by the tales of a creature of extraordinary strength and cunning roaming the wilds... It was not long before this unwary man was beset by the pitter-patter of tiny feet running along the dead leaves that covered the ground. Getting more concerned by the approaching sounds, the traveller tried to flee, heading away from the creature at his quickest pace, sweat visibly falling from his face! But it was in vain, as the creature caught up with him, using its superior night-vision and familiarity with the surroundings. Cornered in an open field, the traveller begged for mercy, but the creature did not listen, and it lunged forward, viciously mauling the poor, foolish man. What became of the man is not known, but it is rumoured that, at every full moon, fur grows from every pore in his skin and he craves carrots and cantaloupe... Engineer #2: I thought that it was overrated. Now Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs was miles better. Engineer#4: Yes, but "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs" like so many sequels relied too heavily on special effects. The 1956 original had more atmosphere, though the scandal surrounding the treatment of the cast reduced the box office take considerably. Engineer #2: That's true of the later remake of "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs", but I was referring to the original, which was considered as a "tribute" rather than as a "sequel" (because of the "Zombies" as against "Vampires" in the first film). Engineer #3: Was that the one where she picked the guinea pig up by the tail and its eyes fell out? Engineer #4: "That was the one". Engineer #3: How did they do that without special effects? Guinea pigs don't have tails! Engineer #4: That was the whole point - it was all to do with the threat. You never actually saw her pick it up by the tail. Engineer #3: You did in the remake. Engineer #4: But that was the guy imagining what would happen if she did. Like I said, the remake relied heavily on special effects. Engineer #2: Personally, I preferred Scary Robotic Zombie Voodoo Guinea Pigs over the remake. Engineer #3: It was no match for the Giant Flesh-Eating Zombie Vampire Guinea Pigs from Hell. Engineer #5: Whatever you do, ignore both the awful parody "Abbott and Costello meet the Killer Zombie Mutant Vampire Cavies" with the terrible running gag in which Bud Abbott keeps on confusing 'cavies' (Guinea Pigs) for 'cavities' (holes in teeth, walls etc.). "This running gag should have been made to stop running and to go and lie down in a darkened room" according to the film critic on the Mavis Enderby Gazette. Engineer #3: Is it true that they are going to make 15 Prequels in true Hollywood fashion? Father of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Mother of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Conception of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Birth of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Screaming little smelly Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Annoying pesky Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Kevin and Perry meet the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Scent of a Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig etc etc... Engineer #5: What about Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro in The Godfather of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs Engineer #4: And the awful "Night of the Cavy" which was a sequel to "Night of the Lepus" about mutant giant bunnies which lived in abandoned mineshafts. Engineer #6: Shouldn't it have been called "Night of the Cuniculus"? Lepus is hare. Cuniculus is rabbit. Engineers #2, 3, 4, 5: Pedant!! Engineer #1: Errr ....can anyone give me any hints on looking after my guinea pig? Later ... Engineer #1: In Worcestershire there are tales of mutant Guinea Pigs the size of large dogs terrorising locals! Holed up in a wood somewhere, locals warned not to approach. Is this true? Engineer #2: It's true enough. Apparently hormones used by fish-farmers have got into the ground water and caused escaped guinea pigs to mutate. It was first noticed when urban foxes started showing fear of going back into the forests, and it turns out that these mutants hunt in packs. To date the largest creature known to have been brought down by these giant mutant rodents was an elephant - behavioural psychologists suspect that the mutants probably perceive the pink skin and vivid blue spots on the pachyderms as a threat... Engineer #1: Well why haven't we heard about the presence of elephants in Worcs. before? Surely the BBC and ITN must be in the pay of the government if they have kept this quiet. Engineer #3: And is this the reason I haven't met anyone from that part of the country for the last two years? Have they been quarantined by means of clever diversions and secret road rebuilding (as with Maidstone)? We should be told . . . . Arachnaphobic Engineer: This morning I woke up, and to my horror a GIANT spider (ok so it wasn't 40 metres wide or anything but it was big) had appeared on my wall.  Is there anything I can use to convince spiders to leave me alone? Engineer #2: The only thing you can do to persuade the spiders to leave is to introduce the giant "spider eating" spider into your house. Or get some of the special "spider eating" zombie vampire flesh-eating guinea pigs from hell. Engineer #3: As in the song; "I know an old lady who swallowed a zombie vampire flesh-eating guinea pig from hell, I'm not sure how she could tell, that it came from hell; she swallowed the zombie vampire flesh-eating guinea pig from hell to catch a spider, she swallowed the spider to catch a fly..." Arachnophobic Engineer: Also, is it possible to build a house which is completely spider proof? Engineer #2: No, because the spiders have transporter technology and can beam in anywhere.